“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.