“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Doggies just call it style.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
