“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
dam girl
