“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
can’t talk my ride’s here
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Did I do this right
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”