“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Check out the legs on this baby
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.