Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

Get in loser we’re going crying

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.