“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.