Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

A Match(.com), but for socks.

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.