“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
whenever i wake up before my alarm
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”