“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
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Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?