No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
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CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Customize Your Wedding.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
At least try to make it slightly believable