@PickleRudd

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

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@GrahamKritzer

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

@Jenny4ashley

My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.

@ibid78

My desires are unconfessional. No wait. Unconditional? Pumpkin sensual? I just had it. Undone sectionals? Unmoustachable? Stunned pistachio?

@kwirkyKerri

Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.

@mom_ontherocks

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

@THE_shitface

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

@Holy_Mowgli

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

@EJGomez

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

@liv_thatsme

“WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?”

Me: I cooked it for you. It’s over there, on that teaspoon.