I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
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My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.
My desires are unconfessional. No wait. Unconditional? Pumpkin sensual? I just had it. Undone sectionals? Unmoustachable? Stunned pistachio?
Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
“WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?”
Me: I cooked it for you. It’s over there, on that teaspoon.