no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
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Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
airing out the snack pack
My background check bounced.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
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