no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
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no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*