Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

follow me for more life hacks

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”

Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”

Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.