No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
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According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
iPhone X
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.