Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.