Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭