No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
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My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Breaking news:
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I disagree with my politics
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.