Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity