No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
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me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
man: wait
time: no
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP