No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
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My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie
GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.