No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
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Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”