No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
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INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”