No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
You Might Also Like
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Cool shirt 🙂
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”