Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.