Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips