No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
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*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
anyone else like Italian cereal
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.