No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
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Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Livid.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
This makes total sense…
What about a To-Don’t List?
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.