No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
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College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.![]()
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.