No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
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My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!