No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
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This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now