No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
You Might Also Like
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.