No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
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Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die