No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
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THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.