Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped