No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
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At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world