No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
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Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Steam Forums
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!