No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
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😂😂
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Wednesday
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened