Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m so sick of this guy

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

her: [texts something funny]

me: [types hahahaha]

me: [stares at it]

me: [deletes one ha]

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends