No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
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I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Very problematic
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*