No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
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“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
All food is good if you spell it wrong
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?