Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

Netflix and awkward silence?

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*