No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
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Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Always this one for me forever
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”