“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
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I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Always a metermaid never a meter
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms