Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.