Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

I wish I were this cool 😂

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened