Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
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Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’