No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
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I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
satan: not today, microsoft teams
File under excellent bookstore names.
