No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
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Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.