No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
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Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.