No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
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Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”