Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

Hell yeah 👍

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

I have obtained a hat

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.