No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
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We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Voting is the worst group project
