No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
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“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us