Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

Good morning, Twitter x

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

Time heals everything 🙂

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.