Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.