No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
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Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
“what that mouth do?” complain
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over