No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
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Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Wake me when AI does housework
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.