Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

Phew
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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

Stop making fast and furious movies.

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.