No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
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I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
