No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
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My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
respect
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours