Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Me irl

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.