No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
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Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.