Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

My dream job is getting paid to dream

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

edward fingerhands

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

The smoothest fall of all time

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.