Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

guys I’m going home

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.