Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

All is fair in drunk and war.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code