NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
You Might Also Like
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*