NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
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“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow