Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

But is it really??

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.