No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
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Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
quarantine day 3
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind