No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
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Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.