Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

True freaking story!

unbelievably distressed by this ad

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor