Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

Spotted in New Orleans.

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.