Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

Said the murderer.

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

Wait a minute…

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?