No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
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Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
What the hell is going on?
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.