No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
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If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳