No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
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When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
That’s it.I’m out.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.