No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
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Meat Cute
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I’ve had relationships like this
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Meeeee too!
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Oh. My. God.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.