Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

I saw this ending much differently.

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

haha same

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

can I use a minion as a tampon

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re