No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony